


A Safer House Isn't Always Home

by Anti_Social_Headphones_Kid



Series: Tony & Peter centric fics [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety Attacks, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Dimension Travel, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Memory Loss, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home Mid-Credits Scene
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-09-26 01:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20381272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anti_Social_Headphones_Kid/pseuds/Anti_Social_Headphones_Kid
Summary: Peter Parker has been living out his life as best as he can, but just when things are starting to finally look good for him, he starts having the same reoccurring nightmare of his identity being revealed, and begins to see random images in his mind that feel a lot like memories... only he doesn't recognize anything from them.In the meantime, he's starting to feel like everything in his waking life is somehow wrong... and wonders if this place is really his real home.(rated T for swearing only)





	1. An Old House Doesn't Always Make A Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Who else is fucking pissed at this whole situation with MCU Spidey? cUZ I SURE AM #SaveSpidey #BringSpideyHome
> 
> That being said, this is my third fic I've ever posted, and my first serious one, so I'm still a bit nervous about it all, and I really hope you enjoy!! Also if you notice any spelling errors or have any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, please let me know, and thank you for reading!!

He was on the run.

It was hard to tell if it had been mere minutes or long hours, but either way, he couldn’t stop now. While he wasn’t entirely sure how long he had been trying to run from one safe spot to another, but it had been long enough for the sun to set and rise again. He was starving, and his web-fluid was almost completely gone, even though he’d been using it as little as possible.

Looking out over the side of the building he was currently on, he realized that his odds weren’t looking too good, as the police sirens still bleared in the distance- as far as he knew, he was still the number one wanted criminal in all of New York- hell, even America (maybe even the world, but he couldn't manage to think about that right now).

He got up and swung from the place he was hiding- he couldn’t chance it- if they knew, they might hurt May, MJ, and… and… his best friend. His best friend who he’d known since second grade. Ted? No, that wasn’t right… Terrence… Terry… Harry! Harry Osborn was his best friend, how could he forget that? But considering he was in a panicked state, it was reasonable his brain wasn’t functioning at it’s best as he continued to listen to the sounds of helicopters searching, and police cars in the distance. He shot out another web, realizing he was closing in on his last few threads when he remembered-

_Buzz buzz, buzz buzz_

Peter shot awake as he heard his phone vibrating- it was loud enough to be his alarm after the bite- and grabbed the device to turn it off, groaning as he got up and mentally began his preparations for his first day back at school after the summer. He was pretty much dreading it, but at the same time anticipating it.

It was the first day of his senior year, and since the summer had gone pretty great considering, he was at least hopeful that the pattern might continue into the school year.

He was Spider-Man, and he’d always carry the responsibility to fight crime in New York, and sure enough, a majority of his summer was spent on the streets helping people- but he _had_ been able to catch a break with the school trip he had gone on with his class to Europe- France, Spain, and Ireland- which was where he had confessed his feelings to MJ on the top of the Eiffel Tower, which she had reciprocated- thank-goodness- which resulted in them dating.

Then they had come back, and everything had been going great- until a week or so later…

It happened when he first woke up one morning after a strange dream with pretty much no one he recognized- which wasn’t that odd- but there was an underlying feeling of loss that he couldn’t quite place, so he shrugged it off and went downstairs only to see May cooking breakfast at the stovetop. 

An unexplainable panic hit him as soon as he saw her though… it was strange… she just- had she always been that old?

He felt his breath start to leave him as he wracked his memories of his Aunt being that old, but the more he thought about it, the more he seemed to forget. He wasn’t sure how long exactly he had been in that state of panic, but when he had finally come-to, he had somehow been moved to sit on one of the kitchen chairs, with May’s arms wrapped tightly around him for comfort, and her gentle voice counting out-breaths for him, and all at once his memories came back to him. Later that night he had done some research and found it was completely normal to freak out after suddenly realizing the age and mortality of someone close to you.

He would’ve waved that off as a one-time thing, but the problem was that it _wasn’t _a one-time thing. There seemed to be a pattern to it, which he had figured out by the fifth time around: he had the same reoccurring dream almost weekly now- his secret identity was discovered, and was now under arrest for… _something, _he honestly had no clue what he was accused of, or if he was even accused of anything, and people had just decided he was a threat- not that that would be a surprising situation to happen in real life after all the bad press he had gotten- which was probably why that dream affected him so much.

But each time he dreamt it, the exact same thing happened… and he never got caught, he just kept swinging until aimlessly until he woke up. The oddest part though was that the farthest he had ever gotten to in that dream, was to a part where he thought to himself _‘I know where to go’_, and then he just woke up before he could think of the apparent safe-place. 

Now although the whole ‘reoccurring dream’ thing was strange on its own, what happened after those dreams when he was awake was even stranger- he would suddenly be overwhelmed by something completely normal in his life, stuff like how old May was, the fact that Harry didn’t like _Star Wars_, or that MJ’s name was _Mary_ _Jane, _as opposed to something else_, _that him and May lived in a house, not an apartment- the most average, normal, boring stuff that he knew by heart- that was the stuff that freaked him out, even though he was _Spider-Ma_n_, _y’ know, the guy who fights criminals daily.

But in all better judgement, Peter had been trying to ignore the strangeness that surrounded these dreams- after all, everything had been going pretty great so far, so why should he let some weird nightmares disrupt his life?

He finished getting ready for the morning before grabbing his backpack and bounding down the stairs to the kitchen where May was hard at work cooking breakfast.

“Morning May,” he greeted as he skeptically looked at the food in front of him- it was cooked normally and looked pretty good considering… which was an odd thing for him to even think of, since as far back as he could remember, May was a great cook. But ever since he came back from Europe, he had been hesitant about her food- a weird thing to pick up from overseas travel for sure.

He ignored those thoughts in the back of his head as he helped finish setting the table until both of them sat down to eat together. They talked about normal things, mostly joking about J. Jonah Jameson though- ever since Aunt May found out about his alter-ego, she’d had more than a few words to say about the reporter, and it had become a running joke between the two of them.

It wasn’t until he heard a knock at the door that he realized he was running behind schedule a bit as he quickly thanked May with a quick hug, and darted from the kitchen, grabbing his backpack and opening the door to see MJ- Mary Jane Watson- his girlfriend and one of his best friends. Even now he found it hard to realize that this was his girlfriend- maybe after knowing her for so long it was unreal to think that they were dating now- as he opened the door to see her memorable red hair that framed her face and ran down past her shoulders and on her back in gentle waves.

“Hey Peter,” she greeted easily. “Lost track of the time again I see.”

“Wh-what? No, I’m on right on time, you only knocked once, remember?”

“I still heard you rushing around in there- we both know you’re always late, at least own up to it Tiger.” She punched him playfully as they headed down the steps and began their walk to school hand-in-hand.

“I saw you on the news last night,” she commented after they had walked in silence for a bit.

“O-oh yeah?”

“Yeah… the way you took down those bank robbers? Pretty cool if I do say so myself- y’ know, as your girlfriend.”

They both laughed as Peter stumbled for something- anything to say. They had been friends for so long, but after they started dating, he felt like he was constantly at a loss for words, the only thing coming up in his mind were random things, most of them centred around oddly dark history facts, which he doubted would make for good dating conversations.

“So, uh, those weapons you took down looked pretty cool,” MJ commented after another round of silence from Peter. “They looked kinda dangerous though… you didn’t get hurt that much, did you?”

“No, no- I’m fine…” the weapons _had_ been pretty odd though, nothing like he’d seen before- and he had faced many a super-villain- but this tech had been used by your average run-of-the-mill robbers, nothing special there, their devices though… _it looked like someone combined alien tech with ours_, he thought up suddenly, causing him to stop in his tracks abruptly. It wasn’t him that had thought that though, that theory had appeared randomly and suddenly, almost like a memory. _What?_

“Peter, are you ok?” MJ asked with concern, making Peter suddenly very aware that he was freaking out over nothing. It was probably just his brain functioning faster than he could keep ups with, making up a random hypothesis that he could look more into later. But he couldn’t stop the feeling of something looming over him again. He knew that with the way the past few weeks had been going, that with the nightmare he had woken from this morning, he could expect to be freaking out over something completely normal yet again. But he would hide it- he’d been doing it well enough lately, and he could keep doing it now.

“I’m fine MJ,” he promised. “Just… didn’t really get much sleep last night.”

MJ gave him a look of pity before wrapping her arms around him to give him a hug. “You should take the night off, take a break,” she suggested still holding him tight.

“Maybe.”

“We could like, go on an actual date for once…”

“That sounds nice…”

She pulled away and gave him a gentle smile. “Only _’sounds nice’_? Is that your way of rejecting my offer?”

“What?- no of course not! I-I just… I’ve been busy. Also the first day of school and all that… we’re probably gonna get a ton of homework tonight.”

“True- hey, why don’t we do a study group then? And we can invite Harry too- come'on it’ll be fun, and we’ve barely hung out just the three of us since we started dating, we wouldn’t want to make him feel left out now do we?”

“Ok fine,” he relented. “Let’s have a study group, that way at least I’m forced to do my homework if it’s with you guys.” He tried to feel excited about it, he really did, but there was always something that bothered him slightly when they were all together… maybe it was because he started dating Mary that everything felt off as they tried to figure out the balance again in their small friend group, maybe that’s why he had been finding it hard to talk to the two people he was closest to.

* * *

“Peter!”

Peter looked up when he heard his name called by the oh-so-familiar voice of his best friend.

“Hey Harry, what’s up?”

“Nothing new other than finally being a senior, and having you practically ignore me all summer.”

Peter winced at that statement, wishing it wasn’t true. 

“Sorry man, I’ve been super busy-“

“-Hanging out with your new girlfriend? Don’t sweat it man, I understand- but you gotta clear some time for me this year, you and MJ are like, the only decent people left in this school, hell I’m even fine third-wheeling, but without you guys my only option is to start hanging out with Flash and the rest of the football team, which I _really_ don’t wanna do.”

“Don’t worry, we’d never leave you like that- actually, we were gonna get together to study tonight… y’ know, homework and all that… you want to join us?”

“How could I say no? My grades are suffering enough as it is, so a little extra study time would probably make my dad happy.”

“Class hasn’t even started yet, how are your grades suffering already?”

“Don’t you know? I can predict the future.”

“You’re having force-visions now?”

“Force-visions? What’s that even mean?”

“Oh, y’ know, from Star Wars… the force-“

“Dude, you know I’m not into that stuff… you’re gonna absolutely hate me for this, but this whole time I thought you were into Star _Trek_.”

The weird thing was that Peter’s memories matched that information as well, he even remembered forcing Harry to sit through a full season of ‘_The Next Generation’_ before Harry finally came out with the truth that he didn’t like Sci-Fi. He wanted to smile at the memory as he thought about his horrified reaction, and the way Harry looked genuinely terrified that he had offended Peter, but that memory seemed so foreign to him, it gave him an odd feeling.

“Ye-yeah, I am. Into Stark Trek… just testing you.”

Harry pumped a fist in the air. “I passed! You can’t say I’m not a good friend now.”

“True. So-“ Peter was cut off as the bell rung, signalling the need to get to class.

“_Shit_\- so we’ll see you later tonight at my place? We were gonna meet at four.”

Harry just nodded and gave him a thumbs-up before rushing off to class, and Peter followed suit. It was going to be a long first day.

* * *

The day dragged by and was considerably normal. Flash was still a jerk, he still ate lunch with Harry and MJ, and he still did pretty well in his classes. By the time school ended, it was three, and he wasted no time in rushing out of the school as quickly as possible. He had an hour before his friends came over, which meant that he would have time for a short patrol around the neighbourhood. 

He wasted no time to find a place where he could change into his suit, and soon he was creating a good distance between him and his school as he swung through the city, until he reached his favourite building to sit on and listen for any crimes. It was close enough to the ground so that he could hear what was going on street-level but high up enough that he was provided with a nice view of the city.

Finally, up on top, Peter allowed himself to sigh of relief, feeling like for the first time since he woke up this morning that he could actually breath (even if he now had a small layer of fabric muffling his breath a bit). He was used to having Spider-Man feel like a break from the real world, but he had never felt like he needed a break _this_ much.

For some reason, every time he had been around his friends lately, he had felt like he had to constantly put on an act, even though these were the people who knew him better than anything else, but lately, he felt more like an imposter- he was consistently trying to be the person they all thought he was- the person they all _knew_ he was… and who was he to deny them of someone they know?

After all, they _know_ him, probably better than he knew himself, and he trusted them- MJ was the first person he had told that he was Spider-Man, then May had found out on her own, but she still had accepted him. And even Harry- though he didn’t know about Peter’s alter-ego yet, he still had known Peter Parker for a long time, and still knew most things about him.

It wasn’t any of their fault that Peter was feeling the way he was, so why should any of them suffer for his confusing attitude?

Just then, he heard a cry for help somewhere nearby, so he stopped his circling thoughts to jump off the building and swing towards where he heard the sound coming from.

* * *

It was nearly four by the time he even _thought_ to check how long it had been, so he quickly made his way into a nearby alleyway to change back into normal clothing before he ran towards his house, managing to burst through the doors only ten minutes after four- pretty much almost not late.

May peered through from the kitchen to see her nephew’s arrival and smiled knowingly.

“Late again?”

“Define ‘late’?”

May rolled her eyes a bit with a soft smile. “Your friends are already waiting for fo you In the living room, go and study with them- I’ll bring out snacks in a few minutes.”

“Thanks, May,” he called before making his way into the room where MJ and Harry were already beginning their studies.

“And how is it that you managed to be late to your own study session,_ in your own house?_” Harry asked the moment Peter stepped in.

MJ gave Harry a light slap. “Comm'n, we all know he has his ‘internship’.”

_Internship?_

Peter felt his head spin as he tried to swallow.

_‘Stark internship, yeah. Always got that internship,’ a voice commented with slight disappointment as they walked through the school hallways._

Who’s voice was that? Who had he been talking to about his internship anyway? He hardly ever spoke about his internship since no one ever believed him. Only his closet friends knew about it, so why hadn’t that voice in his head been Harry’s? Why did someone else know about his Stark-

“Isn’t he just a photographer for the_ ‘Daily Bugle’_?”

_Wait._

“Yeah, but Jonah started to allow him to tag along with Ben on some of the harder cases, and called it an internship- isn’t that right Peter?”

“U-uh the ‘Daily Bugle’?”

MJ nodded while Harry looked at him in expectation, but Peter couldn’t answer. He silently cursed in his head as he realized what was happening- it was all because of that stupid dream he woke up to this morning, it was triggering another one of those… he didn’t even _know_ what they were. It felt like his memories would suddenly warp and then fold in on themselves.

He couldn’t stop his knees from faltering and shaking so hard that he suddenly lost his balance. He tried to focus soon his breathing and tear his mind away from his thoughts, but images and voices rushed through his head, voices he didn’t know, and people he couldn’t recognize. 

A middle-aged woman with long brown hair and glasses with a kind smile who he thought resembled a perfect mother-figure. He saw a teen around that looked to be his age, building Star Wars lego, as _‘The Empire Strikes Back’ _played in the background. He saw an absolutely beautiful girl whose face was half-covered by a book, which was then lowered so she could properly glare at him and call him _‘loser’..._ though something about her tone of voice and the light in her eyes made him think she meant it almost in an affectionate way. He saw a metal suit land in front of him, and heard a blast from behind, and turned to see Iron Man, the hero- _his_ hero- look at him and say _‘nice work kid’ _before blasting off into the distance. He saw below him the beach in flames and watched as they took away the Vulture, hopefully for good. He remembered going to the Avengers compound as an intern- Mr. Stark’s personal intern, even though each day he thought of the man less and less like a mentor, and more as his father-figure…

The thoughts that felt like memories swirled in his head, louder and louder until everything went blank, and he was brought back to the present, with MJ kneeling in front of him concerned, and Harry behind her, leaving Peter sitting on the ground, staring at his two friends. The moment he came back to reality, everything went blank, back to normal, Peter instantly forgot every one of the images, and couldn’t remember a single tone of the voices that had filled his mind- but he did, however, remember that _it_ had happened and that it had happened before. He could feel the memories that had just tormented his mind disappear- he _knew_ they had been there, and he knew he had just lost them. He didn't even know when those memories were from, or if they were even his to begin with, but he had them all the same.

And like every other time it had happened, when he looked around the room at his surroundings and the people there, he was filled with the overwhelming feeling that this was far from his home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was the first chapter!! (Wow u actually finished it) I really hope you enjoyed it, and thank you so much for reading<3
> 
> I'm probably gonna continue this, so I hope you consider staying for the ride!!
> 
> Just one last quick thing: I know MJ, and Harry are a bit OOC, but that's because I couldn't decide which version of them I wanted to use for the alternate universe versions of them, so I ended up just mixing up a few if the comic personalities along with the Spectacular Spider-Man cartoon personalities, so this isn't really a single version of them, but a mixed one- I still tried my hardest to make them in-character in a way that fits this story though!


	2. What If Your Heart Isn't Where Your Home Is Supposed To Be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter struggles with the feeling that he doesn't belong...
> 
> (sorry I suck at summaries)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! thanks for reading, and for your comments and kudos! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this next part!!
> 
> (also ScarlettHeart95 had an idea of writing from Tony's PoV, which I wasn't planning to do, but I really like that idea, so if you guys want another fic focusing on the Avengers perspective (including Tony), let me know!!)
> 
> <3333

Ignoring something until it went away was never the right way to go since most of the time it only made the situation worse… but it was so much easier to just pretend like nothing was happening, so he left it alone. He didn’t need anything more to complicate his life right now, and it wasn’t like those dreams were harming anyone, right? Plus, he was pretty sure many people would tell him that his life was amazing, so he had no reason to complain.

But there was still something that bothered him about the weird after-effects of the dreams, the times when he’d collapse for a few minutes, and just sit there. 

He could never remember what actually went through his mind whenever that happened, but he remembered the feeling of memories running through his mind- memories that he didn’t know, and quite honestly that scared him. It never erased the feeling that lingered after, either. The feeling of loss, the feeling of  _ home _ , the feeling that he’d never really experience it again.

“ _ Peter _ , are you even listening?” MJ’s voice cut through his thoughts, bring him back to the present. He looked up at her, but found it hard to keep staring at the red-head for some reason, so he focused on anything other than his girlfriend- the casual restaurant they were currently dining at, the lady over three tables down who looked like she would fit the role of assassin, the bored-looking waiter who had an _iron-giant_ phone case for some reason, the menu, which he should probably be looking at anyways-

“Peter, what’s going on? Are you feeling ok?” Mary questioned as she noticed him low-key freaking out. She reached out her hand and set it on one of his. “Whatever’s bothering you, you know you can tell me, right?”

“Ye-yeah,” he swallowed. “Thanks, MJ…” 

Why did he want to pull his hand away from hers? He should be glad he was with her, he loved her, and she was genuinely trying to help him. 

_ I love her, _ he told himself.

But why did those three words feel like a lie?

Their food arrived to interrupt his thoughts, as he tried to focus on what Mary was talking about, but honestly, what she was saying was a little bit duller than usual, just general conversations about class, about Harry, about careers…

Maybe MJ was still getting used to the whole ‘more than friends’ thing too, and it was really sweet of her to at least  _ try _ at a conversation- that was much more than he was doing at least.

But still, the whole conversation was honestly so average, it made him consider just screeching out random spider facts to make it at least a little bit more entertaining. What were you supposed to talk about with your girlfriend anyway? Were you supposed to be yourself? Or were you supposed to spend an awkward amount of time trying to convince them you were ‘normal’?

He figured she must be fine with a little less than 'normal' though since she  _ was _ dating him, even after she found out about the whole ’Spider-Man’ gig. But still, if she was the one keeping it neutral, then the least he could do was try as well, and seeing that she had pretty much been keeping the conversation afloat throughout this date, he figured it was about time that he contributed something too.

Movies were a safe, normal topic, right?

“So, uh, have you seen any good movies recently?”

“Hm? No, I’ve been really busy recently. Why? Have you seen anything good lately?”

“Um, I watched ‘ _ The Black Dahlia’…” _

He glanced up at MJ, for some reason expecting some sort of reaction from her, but his heart dropped when her expression remained the same.

“Yeah? I’ve never heard of it before, was it good?”

“It could’ve been done better, but I really liked the story idea- it was uh, based on that old murder case, the one that never got solved…” he trailed off, his voice weakened with each word. He didn’t know why he was being vague with MJ, but half of him kept expecting her to jump in and interrupt him, somehow knowing the whole history behind the story, and complain that it hadn’t been done well enough through the film to satisfy the memory of Elizabeth Short, or  _ something _ , but she didn’t. She hardly even seemed interested in what he was saying.

He swallowed and tried to clear his mind a bit.

“Sorry, that was kinda a weird thing to bring up…”

“You don’t need to apologize, Peter, it was… interesting.”

“You’re weirded out, aren’t you?”

“I’m not.”

“Really?”

“Ok, maybe a little,” she admitted with a light laugh, causing him to smile weakly. “But hey, if I wanted someone normal, I’d date Flash.”

“Actually, I sorta doubt he’s normal- no normal person could act that full of themselves.”

“True. I guess I would just date Harry then if I wanted someone normal- don't tell him I said that by the way, I doubt he'd take it as a compliment…”

Peter laughed in response, but couldn’t help but feel like those two might just be better for each other. At least then he wouldn’t be disappointing them both as much.

———————————————————————————

Peter stumbled into his room after walking Mary home and collapsed onto his bed. 

He had about a million things he still needed to do, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything but stare at the ceiling. It was almost the end of their first week back at school- tomorrow was Friday, which meant there was only one day left before the weekend, and even though he knew he should be feeling glad, like most normal kids  _ should _ , for some reason he was dreading it, even though there was no reason to.

Harry and MJ had both wanted to hang out for the weekend, so that’s what they were doing… but he wasn’t even looking forward to it, and even  _ he _ didn’t understand why.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that every time he had spoken to them lately, it seemed liked he knew them less and less, and each time it happened, he could tell that they got uncomfortable.

But it wasn’t just that. Each day that went by, he felt increasingly like he didn’t belong here, like something was off, but he could never place what was off about it. His spider-sense was working normally, and there didn’t seem to be any danger, so he could probably scratch ‘high-tech illusion’ off his list.

He flipped over on his side and stared out the window. It was already dark out, but everything this felt too bright, too…  _ much,  _ to handle. He pushed his head into the pillow laying by his side and shut his eyes. 

Why did he feel so lost? His life was finally going the smoothest it had been for all he could remember, so why was he so alone? Why did he not know where to go next? He tried to fight back the burning sensation in his eyes, but it never seemed to go away, staying there even as he drifted off to sleep…

———————————————————————————

_ Same dream as always.  _

_ At this point, he was almost expecting it when fell asleep, but despite having had that dream what felt like dozens of times now, the ‘dream him’ still was as panicked as ever as he leapt through buildings with sirens blearing in the distance. _

_ The same thoughts of needing to protect May, MJ, and N-Harry. The same thought of getting to the ’safe place’, until he swung around the building and was forced awake once again. _

———————————————————————————

Turning on his back so he could stare at the ceiling, he couldn’t help but dread what was coming next as he woke up- as the pattern dictated, he would have some weird ‘burst’ of memories that weren't his, only to immediately forget them, while everyone around him thought he was having a heart attack despite being only seventeen. 

Quickly checking his phone, he realized he hadn’t even been asleep for a full hour, seeing that it was only ten-forty.

He still had homework to do, and though every reasonable voice in his head was telling him to do it, he couldn’t make himself get up from the bed, and just continued staring upwards at the white ceiling.

The dreams were weird, and they were becoming harder to ignore. Why was it always the same thing? And what did it have to do with the weird memories he always forgot? Was it some kind of warning from the future, a vision maybe?

He sat up and shook his head. He couldn’t keep circling around these thoughts- there was nothing wrong, he was just overreacting to some bad dreams, that’s all it was. Getting up from bed, he grabbed his suit that was laying on his chair nearby and put it on. He needed to get get some fresh air, and going out as Spider-Man at least meant he didn’t have to worry about acting normal since it wasn’t like a random robber would just start ‘ _ checking up on him, cuz he’s been seeming a little off lately _ ’.

Opening his window, he shot out a web, and swung away, taking in a deep breath of the city air as he escaped his cramped room.

———————————————————————————

He was taking a quick break sitting on the top of some random apartment building that looked over East River. 

It had been a relentless night for crime-fighting, and for once he was glad to have it as a distraction, but it was nice to finally take a breather and look at the city from a higher point of view- it was easier to forget his problems when he saw the city and all the thousands of lights that represented other people going about their lives, most of them not knowing what another person’s life might hold, but somehow they were all connected in some way, maybe just by living in the same city, passing each other by in the streets, but still connected nonetheless. It was an odd feeling, but for some reason, Peter felt as if he wasn’t apart of this world, that it wasn’t his own, even if he interacted with more strangers daily than most kids his age.

In a way, he felt more at home being up high, disconnected from the rest of the city. He felt more at home when he was farther from what was  _ supposed _ to be his home.

Suddenly, his hearing picked up the sound of a blast in the distance.

Wasting no time, he got up and shot a web as he jumped from the roof, moving towards the sound.

———————————————————————————

He found the site where the blasts had come from- an abandoned warehouse that was falling apart already, seeming like it could fall any second- though that didn’t stop the men were still there from blasting their devices around in show- the same weapons that those robbers he had stopped last week used.

He hid in the shadows of the warehouse, trying to listen in as the men spoke. From what he could hear, two of them were selling the weapons to the third guy- it was pretty awesome that he had found the sellers in pretty much less than a week- well, he hadn’t actively been  _ looking _ , but that almost made it more awesome.

All he had to do now was wait for the right moment to strike, then-

His phone went off.

_ Shit. _

He grabbed it out of his pocket and tried to turn it off, as the two guys turned their guns to the guy they had been trying to sell the weapons.

“What the  _ fuck _ is that?” One of them asked. “Did’ ya set us up?”

_ This is _ n’ _ t good. _

“Hey!” Peter called, jumping down from where he’d been hiding. “If you’re gonna shoot at someone, shoot at me!”

“Aight’,” one of the sellers said, turning around to shoot at Peter, who was quick to  _ thwip _ the gun out of his hand. He caught sight of the man who’d been buying the weapons and he attempted to escape amid the chaos and made eye contact with him.

_ ‘Word of advice? You gotta get better at…  _ this _ part of the job’ _

_ ‘What’ da mean? I’m intimidating.’ _

Peter’s eyes went wide.

_ No. Not here. Not now, _ he begged whatever,  _ whoever _ had been causing these breakdowns, but to no avail. He was struggling to stand as random memories flooded his mind again. 

_ ‘Th-the guy with the wings is the one selling the weapons, I gotta take him down!’ ‘Take him down now?’ Why didn’t Mr. Stark understand? He needed to do this, it wasn’t even about the Avengers anymore, it was about the people who could get hurt. _

_ He was at the Washington monument, watching smoke rise from the top. ‘My friends are in there!’ A voice called out. ‘What?’ Then he turned and saw her- why did it hurt so much when he saw her? It took less than a second of looking at her to realize he  _ loved _ her. _

_ The door to the house opened, and his heartbeat faster as he realized the man who stood in front of him was- _

_ ‘You must be Peter.’ _

_ The guy with the wings. Liz’s dad was the guy with the wings- wait, who even  _ was _ the guy with the wings? _

He could feel the memories fading quickly from his head, starting to get a grip on reality again.

Looking up, he saw the two sellers climbing into their white van.

“What the fuck is wrong with Spider-Guy? We didn’t even get a shot in with him, and he's breakin down.”

“Who cares, let's get outta here-“

“Shouldn’t we try and take him out while we can?”

“Don’t be an idiot, we just need’ a get outta here while we can- _come'on_.”

He watched as they started the car. He needed to do  _ something _ , but it wasn’t like he just had radom trackers he could shoot off at any moment. He quickly grabbed his phone, and took a picture of the license plate- he knew it probably wouldn’t amount to much, but it was better than nothing, and he wasn’t in a good enough state to chase them through the streets without getting his ass kicked if they called in backup- and he had a gut feeling that they would have backup.

His phone started to buzz again, as the van zoomed off, and he realistically knew there was no way he could catch up- not in his current state- so this time he picked up the call  without hesitation, barely looking at the contact name.

“Dude, what’s goin’ on? You busy right n-“

_ His best friend. _

“Ned, thank goodness!” He sighed in relief- if there was one person who could help track down those thugs, it was his  _ ‘guy in the chair’. _ “Ok listen: I need you to find a license plate number and track them down for me, do you mind?”

“Wha-? I can’t just  _ track _ someone down Peter, what the hell do you think I do in my spare time?”

“Of course you can, it’s for the greater good, Ned.”

“What the fuck? Peter, what even- who’s _ Ned _ ?”

“Fine, since you’re my ‘ _ guy in the chair’,  _ can you track them for me?”

“Peter, seriously, if you're on drugs right now-“

“Ned! I really need you to do this, I’m in a hurry-“

“Peter, if this is your idea of a prank call, it’s not exactly a good one.”

“Wh-what do you mean? I don’t- I just need you to…” He trailed off.

This wasn’t Ned. It was Harry, Harry Osborn, his best friend, he was his best friend right? No, no he wasn’t because Ned was his best friend, he had known him since they were seven, Ned Leeds… what had happened to him? Who was he? Harry was the person he had known since they were seven though, how come they weren’t both there? They were never in the same room together, no wait, Ned was never there, to begin with- but how could he remember someone, not in his memories? Was he going crazy? Wait, why would he go crazy? What had he been thinking about? He had forgotten something, he had forgotten  _ someone _ , whoever-it-was that he had been thinking about-

“Need me to…?” A questioning voice cut through his thoughts.

_ His best friend, that’s who he had been thinking about… _

“H-Harry? You-you’re Harry, right?” He was almost afraid to ask, afraid to know if he was really going crazy, or-

“Ok Peter, you’re kinda freaking me out right now, have you been drinking? Like do you need a pick-up?”

He breathed a silent sigh of relief as his memories flooded back to him. He was safe now.

“No-no, I’m fine I think, I-I’m sane, just, this is Harry Osborn, right?”

“ The _ one- _ and _ -only. _ ”

“Oh, shoot, sorry, I thought…”

“It was ’Ned’?”

_ Who? _

“N-Ned?”

“Yeah, the ‘chair-guy’, apparently.”

He almost laughed when had Harry said chair-guy, cuz  _ what kind of name was that?  _ But suddenly the words ‘ _ I can be your guy-in-the-chair’ _ rang thought his mind in an unrecognizable voice. He knew he had just had one of those odd ‘memory-blips’, but he had never remembered something from it before- and true, this wasn’t really a memory, but still, Harry had said he had called him  _ ’Ned’ _ who he had also called his  _ ‘chair-guy’ _ , and yes, it was obvious that Harry could just be messing with him, but he had heard a voice in his head, and this one felt like a memory- not one that disappeared like the others, but a solid, real memory. Still, there was something was blocking it, hiding its full image, but that single line along with that voice filled him with a feeling of…  _ something _ , something he couldn’t describe.

“Peter? You still there?”

“Yeah, sorry, I gotta go, see you later Harry.”

“Wait, so are you alrigh-“

He shut his phone off, and placed it face-down on the ground, ignoring the lights of the city, the wind that had been becoming colder although it was still early September and the noises of traffic surrounding the now-empty lot. 

He just kept replaying that voice in his head, the one that belonged to Ned, whoever that was. He couldn’t explain why, but the more he thought of that voice, the more he felt alone, though, at the same time, it made him feel like in the long-run, may he  _ wasn’t  _ so alone, that maybe,  _ maybe, _ there was something more to his life, there was somewhere he actually belonged- the part that was missing ever since he came back from his trip.

Peter knew that sometimes your mind would block out things that your mind couldn’t handle, things that were better left forgotten, and yeah, maybe whatever it was he had forgotten would be better left to fade into oblivion.

But just that one bit of incomplete memory, that small piece that was hardly even a second long, gave him a feeling that he hadn’t remembered ever feeling before, but he understood what that feeling was: a reminder of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you stick around for the next chapters too!!
> 
> I'm still super mad at Disney for not even trying to get Spidey back, just cuz it wasn't worth their money, and how Kevin basically said that 'they already told the story they needed to, so who cares', like that really pissed me off that they were willing to throw away character development, and the fact that he was going to be the new face of marvel, just cuz of money. I'm mostly mad tho cuz it was awesome to finally have a superhero my age after growing up with them, AND for him to be the next leader felt so empowering(?) if that doesn't sound too cheesy lmao
> 
> but honestly, who am I, other than a fan who cares waaay too much about this, who they'll never listen to anyways? They won't listen no matter how many people protest and beg, so whatever- I gotta vent somewhere- sorry guys


	3. A Lost Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy, sorry I've been taking so long to update, but I'm back in school now, and quite honestly I'm scared that I'll send my teacher one of my fics instead of an assignment, so I haven't really had the motivation to write

It was hard to forget a feeling once you had experienced it, especially one like this.

He had been feeling so alone recently, so out of place, that the moment he had that small memory, that small feeling of belonging, he refused to let go. But as much as he tried, he couldn’t remember anything more than that- he couldn’t even remember what ’Ned’  _ looked  _ like.

But it had suddenly become clear to him that whatever those dreams had been showing him, it somehow had to do with Ned. He remembered each time he had the dream, that he would struggle to remember Harry’s name, and it rushed back that he had always said Ned first. 

He had forgotten Ned though- he didn’t know who that was, but he was now sure there was something of importance about him- he was both in his reoccurring dream,  _ and _ in his memories- there was something there, he just hadn’t figured it out yet.

Before he wanted nothing more than to stop having those dreams, to return to his normal life, and there was a part of him that was still telling him to drop all this, to forget the dreams and keep living his normally. After all, why should he willingly try to make his life more difficult by doing this?

But there was something there, something he couldn’t understand, but something he wanted more than anything else, even though he didn’t know what it was he wanted. It wasn’t really some _ thing _ that he wanted, no item in particular, but that feeling of warmth that he couldn’t explain, but that feeling was one that he wanted to experience again, no matter what the cost was… even if the cost was his average life that had been fooling him into thinking he was happy.

He would stop at nothing until he understood what was happening, even if it was just to experience that feeling of comfort one last time. He knew there were answers to be found, and as long as the truth was out there, he had to find it.

* * *

That night when he finally got back to his room, he rushed to scribble down everything he could remember about that line, about the kind of voice Ned had, what it had felt like. He could try to decipher the exact meaning of what being his ‘ _ guy-in-the-chair’  _ meant- though it pretty much sounded like what Wade from Kim Possible did.

Staring down at the few sentences he wrote about that memory, he felt a pang of sadness when he saw how little there was to go off of. There should be a lot more he could write about, but for now, Ned was reduced to barely even a paragraph.

Glancing at his phone, he realized it was now after twelve, and well past his school-night bedtime, so he closed his notebook with slight hesitation, before flopping into bed and kicking the covers over himself. He was dreading going to sleep, though this time not because of his nightmares, but because he was afraid of forgetting that feeling of warmth every time he thought of whoever ’Ned’ was... 

He didn’t want to forget it.

* * *

Peter woke up to the buzzing of his alarm.

A wave of disappointment washed over him when he realized he hadn’t had that nightmare again. He realized that he should probably feel relieved, and most days he  _ would _ be relived, but today was different… why was today different?

His eyes flickered across his room, scanning it for something that he was forgetting, something that might give him a clue as to why he was feeling like this when his sight landed on the notebook he had written in the previous night. 

Although he didn’t remember what he had written in it, he did remember the feeling that had coupled with it, which left him to desperately reach for the book, flipping through the pages until he saw the short note he’d made on Ned. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

* * *

He had spent a good amount of time taken from his morning routine of getting ready to read, and re-read the short note he had written, that by time he realized he was going to be late, he only had ten minutes to throw on proper clothing, and shove his homework in his backpack, before bounding downstairs in time for when MJ arrived.

Sliding into the kitchen, Peter grabbed a few energy bars from the cupboard and stuffed them in his backpack before opening a bar to eat at that moment.

“If you were actually ready on time for once, maybe you wouldn’t have to eat those bars for breakfast,” a voice said from the kitchen table.

Peter turned and saw May sitting there, smiling knowingly at him. He wanted to smile back at her and make some sort of joke in return like they normally did, but the moment he saw her, his head went fuzzy and he had difficulty swallowing as he stared at her. 

It was because of her old age, right? That’s why he was so freaked out- that was something that happened, that a lot of people went through, it wasn’t that strange… but it wasn’t because she was old… that wasn’t why he was freaking out.

He had no clue who the woman in front of him was. 

_ It’s just Aunt May _ , the voice in his head tried to convince him, but there was nothing familiar that he could see in the woman in front of him, even though he had known her his whole life, even though he had raised her, even though she was the person he saw when he thought of a mother, and even though, she was the person he always thought of himself as her son… despite all that, he couldn’t remember her as the person he thought she was.

“Peter, are you feeling ok?” May asked, cutting him from his thoughts.

“Uh, yeah,” he inwardly cursed when his voice came out in a choked manner, causing him to realize the burning sensation building up in his eyes, making him painfully aware he was trying to blink back tears. “I just didn’t get much sleep,” he added, faking a yawn.

“I’m worried about you Peter. I think you should take a break from your ‘extra work’ just for the first few weeks of school.”

“Everything’s fine May I just-“ He was interrupted by a knock at the door, thankfully meaning that MJ had arrived and that his conversation with May would be postponed, when hopefully, she had forgotten about it. “I need to go now, see you later May,” he called while rushing out the door into a surprised Mary.

“Woah- Peter, are you ok?” She asked after just barely dodging the door as it opened suddenly.

“Ye-yeah. I’m- I just…” he swallowed and looked up at Mary, hoping to find at least some comfort in his girlfriend. But when he met her concerned eyes, his chest tightened even more. So badly he wanted someone to tell about everything that was going on. 

He needed someone to talk to  _ so badly _ , but the moment he looked into her eyes, he just felt empty.

“I’m fine. I just overslept,” he explained with a tight smile.

She gave him a small smile in return, leaning in forward to softly kiss him before linking her arm through his and pulling him along to school, filling what would’ve been silence with a steady stream of conversation that he didn’t feel invested in. 

But all the while she had been talking, he was only focusing on keeping his breathing at a normal rate. He couldn’t let her know he was freaking out, after all, he had no reason to be, right?

“Peter, MJ, what’s up?”

Peter jumped a little when he felt Harry clap his back in greeting, and turned to face him, forcing himself to smile.

“Hey Harry,” MJ greeted while Peter absent-mindedly started doing their secret handshake, only to stop partway when he realized Harry wasn’t doing it with him but was instead looking at him strangely along with Mary.

Where had that even come from? They’d never even had a secret handshake before…

Thankfully, the two of them kindly ignored the awkwardness, as Peter quickly pulled his hand away and stuffed it in his pocket.

“Dude, how’re you feeling today?” Harry asked with concern.

“I’m just a little tired, that’s all…” He mumbled in defence.

“Yeah, I’ll bet. What even  _ were _ you up to last night?”

“Hm? What’ da mean?”

“Last night? The phone call? With the license plate tracking and the ‘chair-guy’? What was that?”

Peter’s eyes widened. He hadn’t even thought of what to say to Harry the next day to explain it all.

“Uh, what’re you talking about? I didn’t call- I don’t remember calling…” 

_ Nice Parker,  _ he thought miserably.

If there was an award for being suspicious, he probably would’ve won it by now.

“Peter, you called me last night. What, were you doing something illegal? I can’t even imagine that, no offence…”

“Uh, well, I-“ Peter was interrupted by MJ’s laugh.

“Y’know he phones me sometimes when he’s asleep? He like, sleep-calls me, it’s the strangest thing. You said he was dreaming about license plates and a chair-guy?”

“You do that?” Harry asked in disbelief.

“Ye-yeah, totally, sorry, did I freak you out?” Peter played along.

“Actually yeah, you really had me going for a sec.”

“Sorry, uh, I’ll try not to do it again.”

The three laughed, and soon they switched to a different topic and Peter allowed himself to zone out again until the bell rang and he followed the lead of tired students as they all made their way to class.

* * *

He tried to focus in class, he really did, but he couldn’t get the morning’s earlier situation out of his head.

Realizing Harry wasn’t his real best friend, that he had taken the place of ‘Ned’ both in his memories and in real life had been hard when he first found out since he couldn’t bear the thought of being forced to forget someone who was actually important to him, to have someone switch his feelings to be towards someone else they were originally meant for- he was still trying to wrap his head around it- but when he actually faced Harry, he realized that he didn’t see him as his best friend, and had felt that way pretty much ever since he’d been having those dreams.

So while the subject still was confusing, he wasn’t completely bothered when he found out he and Harry weren’t really friends- not that much, though it did still hurt.

But after what happened that morning with May… 

He couldn’t bear to think what it might mean if his memories of May were fake too. 

If they were, then what would he do? As far as he knew, May had been like a mother to him, and even though they weren't related by blood, he had thought of himself as her son- he couldn’t lose her too. She couldn’t be fake, she just  _ couldn’t _ . 

But even then, he couldn’t deny the same sensation that he had gotten with Harry when he looked at her though, the same feeling that he was as much as a stranger to her as she was to him, and it was a horrible feeling.

He took out his notebook and flipped to the page he had written about Ned in, and on the page beside it, he titled ‘Aunt May’, and stared down at the page. Apparently admitting stuff you’re too afraid to say by writing it down is supposed to be freeing, but the moment he sees her name down in writing, he feels more weighed down than ever. He  _ has _ to figure this out- it’s not just something odd happening, or some random outlandish conspiracy, but a real occurrence that had affected him even in his personal life.

Looking at the page titled ‘Aunt May’, he considered what to write, but he couldn’t come up with anything considering he had no memories to go off of like he did with Ned, so instead he wrote about what had usually been quick to freak him out, but other than ‘old age- supposed to be young??’ And ‘good food- is she usually bad??’ He had nothing, so he closed the journal, looking one last time at the two questions written, smiling fondly at them, getting that same feeling of warmth as when he thought about Ned.

He would see them again, whoever they were. 

He would make sure of it.

* * *

Peter darted out of school as soon as he could, hoping that if he made it out fast enough MJ wouldn’t find him and convince him to walk home with her. He felt horrible for purposely avoiding her, but right now the only thing he wanted to do was go out as Spider-Man and clear his head a bit… Since when had the easiest part of his life been the crime-fighting part rather than the normal stuff?

He had made it through the building, onto the front steps, and nearly out of the gate, when he heard MJ call him, and although it was tempting to pretend like he hadn’t heard and just keep walking, Mary was one of the few people who knew about his enhanced hearing, and was thus fully aware if he decided to ignore her.

Turning away from the gates and watching as Mary hurried to catch up to him as he waited until she caught up, and they continued walking together as Peter silently mourned his failed plan to get away.

“Hey, I thought we were going to walk home together- you still owe me from saving your identity with Harry by the way,” Mary mentioned as they fell into step side-by-side.

“Oh, yeah sorry, I was sorta lost in thought,” he said absently, telling himself it wasn’t _ totally  _ a lie.

“You seem to be doing that a lot, huh? Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, Yeah I’m fine just-“ he stopped in his tracks suddenly and looked up at her as she stopped a few paces ahead and turned back towards him.

“Just?”

“Do you remember when I asked you out? Like, during our trip?”

Mary smiled confusedly. “Yeah, at the top of the Eiffel Tower, it was really sweet. Why?”

Peter also remembered it. He remembered it, but it was the same as the memories of Harry and May, it felt empty as if he was watching a movie of his life other than the real thing. He shut his eyes and tried to focus- there was another memory, something beneath the one of him and Mary, something being covered by it-

“Peter, are you ok? You’re sorta freaking me out right now… do you hear something attacking?”

Her words snapped him back to the present, but when he looked at her all words got caught in his throat.

He remembered the Eiffel Tower, but it wasn’t Mary there, it was a different girl who was absolutely beautiful, looking frighted as a man threw her over the side. He dove after her, but that didn’t matter, it wasn’t real, none of it was, it had been an illusion… How was it an illusion?

“Peter?”

“Sorry MJ, I need to go,” he muttered before racing off into an alleyway to suit up.

———————————————————————————

He wasn’t sure where he was swinging, or what his plan was, but he just needed to get away and quick. He let his mind go blank as he swung through the city, hardly acknowledging the sights and sounds of the city as he passed by.

After about an hour of blindly travelling, he stopped atop a building and sat down on the edge of it, the view from the top familiar despite having never been there before…

He jumped to his feet, suddenly aware of his location- this was the place his dreams always ended, the place he couldn’t get past, but now he was here. He still had no clue where he even was, or where the ‘safe place’ was, but as far as progress goes, this was better than nothing- it proved that his dreams were trying to tell him something, and at the very least, there was some reality to them, but most of all he was sure that this wasn’t supposed to be his life, not really- and the key to finding his past life was the dreams.

His dream with his identity being discovered was the link between his missing memories and his current life. 

At first this seemed like a dead end, since the dreams always ended before a certain point, but it was  _ always _ that point, always the same part, it was always when he thought of the ‘safe place’ he could go to, and before he could think of what said ‘safe place’ was, he woke up. But it began to become clear that the ’safe place’ was now being hidden from him- wherever that was he wasn’t allowed to find out, but wherever it was, it was where he had lost his past life, it was where his dreams were telling him to go, and it was the only place he could find answers.

And if the only way he could find out where it is was by forcing himself to sleep until he found out, then so be it.

He quickly texted MJ and Harry, canceling their weekend plans saying he’s sick, before swinging back home and flopping down on his bed, closing his eyes, and waiting for sleep to come.

And it soon came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your support really means a lot, so thank you!!!


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